It's Matt, but not really. He's there, but not really. His face is kind of distorted, and his eyes seem like he can't focus on me. He's actually trying to see me from the side, like a shark. Hey! he yells, too loud, and gives me a hug, too hard. He's fucking wasted. And then came the sex, and I use that word very loosely. His penis was so soft, it felt like one of those de-stress things that slips from your hand?

Ms. Foundation for Women's Gloria Awards and Gala Vineyard, Jennifer (May 2014). Read Amy Schumer's Powerful Speech About Confidence. Vulture.