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Ambrose Bierce -
The Devil's Dictionary (1906)
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Witch, n. (1) An ugly and repulsive old woman, in a wicked league with the devil. (2) A beautiful and attractive young woman, in wickedness a league beyond the devil.
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Australia, n. A country lying in the South Sea, whose industrial and commercial development has been unspeakably retarded by an unfortunate dispute among geographers as to whether it is a continent or an island.
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Dawn, n. The time when men of reason go to bed. Certain old men prefer to rise at about that time, taking a cold bath and a long walk with an empty stomach, and otherwise mortifying the flesh.
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Absent, adj. Peculiarly exposed to the tooth of detraction; vilifed; hopelessly in the wrong; superseded in the consideration and affection of another.
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Erudition, n. Dust shaken out of a book into an empty skull.
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R.I.P. A careless abbreviation of "requiescat in pace", attesting to indolent goodwill to the dead. According to the learned Dr. Drigge, however, the letters originally meant nothing more than "reductus in pulvis".
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Freebooter, n. A conqueror in a small way of business, whose annexations lack of the sanctifying merit of magnitude.
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Happiness, n. An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another.
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Absurdity, n. A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion.
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English, n. A language so haughty and reserved that few writers succeed in getting on terms of familiarity with it.
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Life, n. A spiritual pickle preserving the body from decay.
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On physicians:
One on whom we set our hopes when ill, and our dogs when well.
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Pun, n. A form of wit, to which wise men stoop and fools aspire.
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Optimist, n. A proponent of the doctrine that black is white.
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Acquaintance, n. A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to. A degree of friendship called slight when its object is poor or obscure, and intimate when he is rich or famous
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Conversation, n. A fair for the display of the minor mental commodities, each exhibitor being too intent upon the arrangement of his own wares to observe those of his neighbor.
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Prejudice, n. A vagrant opinion without visible means of support.
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Year, n. A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.
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NOBLEMAN, n. Nature's provision for wealthy American minds ambitious to incur social distinction and suffer high life.
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Cabbage, n. A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head.
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Insurrection, n. An unsuccessful revolution. Disaffection's failure to substitute misrule for bad government.
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Diplomacy, n. The patriotic art of lying for one's country.
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Scriptures, n. The sacred books of our holy religion, as distinguished from the false and profane writings on which all other faiths are based.
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Conservative, n. A statesman enamored of existing evils, as opposed to a Liberal, who wants to replace them with others.
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Cynic, n. A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision.
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Quote of the day
Yet would we die as some have done: Beating a way for the rising sun.
Arna Bontemps
Ambrose Bierce
Creative Commons
Born:
June 24, 1842
Died:
December 26, 1913
(aged 71)
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