Ambrose Bierce - The Devil's Dictionary (1906)

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Resign, v. To renounce an honor for an advantage. To renounce an advantage for a greater advantage.

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Back, n. That part of your friend which it is your privilege to contemplate in your adversity.

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Politician, n. An eel in the fundamental mud upon which the superstructure of organized society is reared. When he wriggles he mistakes the agitation of his tail for the trembling of the edifice. As compared with the statesman, he suffers the disadvantage of being alive.

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Barometer, n. An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we are having.

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Pig, n. An animal (Porcus omnivorus) closely allied to the human race by the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is inferior in scope, for it sticks at pig.

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Patriotism, n. Combustible rubbish ready to the torch of any one ambitious to illuminate his name.

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Dictionary, n. A malevolent literary device for cramping the growth of a language and making it hard and inelastic. This dictionary, however, is a most useful work.

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Laughter, n. An interior convulsion, producing a distortion of the features and accompanied by inarticulate noises. It is infectious and, though intermittent, incurable.

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Boundary, n. In political geography, an imaginary line between two nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary rights of the other.

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Money, n. A blessing that is of no advantage to us excepting when we part with it. An evidence of culture and a passport to polite society. Supportable property.

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In each human heart are a tiger, a pig, an ass, and a nightingale. Diversity of character is due to their unequal activity.

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Brain, n. An apparatus with which we think that we think... In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.

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Accordion, n. An instrument in harmony with the sentiments of an assassin.

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Learning, n. The kind of ignorance distinguishing the studious.

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Heathen, n. A benighted creature who has the folly to worship something that he can see and feel.

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Witch, n. (1) An ugly and repulsive old woman, in a wicked league with the devil. (2) A beautiful and attractive young woman, in wickedness a league beyond the devil.

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Australia, n. A country lying in the South Sea, whose industrial and commercial development has been unspeakably retarded by an unfortunate dispute among geographers as to whether it is a continent or an island.

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Dawn, n. The time when men of reason go to bed. Certain old men prefer to rise at about that time, taking a cold bath and a long walk with an empty stomach, and otherwise mortifying the flesh.

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Absent, adj. Peculiarly exposed to the tooth of detraction; vilifed; hopelessly in the wrong; superseded in the consideration and affection of another.

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Erudition, n. Dust shaken out of a book into an empty skull.

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R.I.P. A careless abbreviation of "requiescat in pace", attesting to indolent goodwill to the dead. According to the learned Dr. Drigge, however, the letters originally meant nothing more than "reductus in pulvis".

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Freebooter, n. A conqueror in a small way of business, whose annexations lack of the sanctifying merit of magnitude.

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Happiness, n. An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another.

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Absurdity, n. A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion.

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English, n. A language so haughty and reserved that few writers succeed in getting on terms of familiarity with it.

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Life, n. A spiritual pickle preserving the body from decay.

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On physicians:
One on whom we set our hopes when ill, and our dogs when well.

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Pun, n. A form of wit, to which wise men stoop and fools aspire.

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Optimist, n. A proponent of the doctrine that black is white.

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Acquaintance, n. A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to. A degree of friendship called slight when its object is poor or obscure, and intimate when he is rich or famous

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