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Ambrose Bierce -
The Devil's Dictionary (1906)
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Scriptures, n. The sacred books of our holy religion, as distinguished from the false and profane writings on which all other faiths are based.
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Conservative, n. A statesman enamored of existing evils, as opposed to a Liberal, who wants to replace them with others.
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Cynic, n. A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision.
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Oratory, n. A conspiracy between speech and action to cheat the understanding.
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Mammon, n. The god of the world's leading religion. His chief temple is in the holy city of New York.
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Appetite, n. An instinct thoughtfully implanted by Providence as a solution to the labor question.
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To men a man is but a mind. Who cares
What face he carries or what form he wears?
But woman's body is the woman. O,
Stay thou, my sweetheart, and do never go,
But heed the warning words the sage hath said:
A woman absent is a woman dead.
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Patience, n. A minor form of despair, disguised as a virtue.
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Kilt, n. A costume sometimes worn by Scotchmen [sic] in America and Americans in Scotland.
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Grammar, n. A system of pitfalls thoughtfully prepared for the feet of the self-made man, along the path by which he advances to distinction.
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Male n. A member of the unconsidered, or negligible sex. The male of the human race is commonly known (to the female) as Mere Man. The genus has two varieties: good providers and bad providers.
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Pray, v. To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
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Debauchee n. One who has so earnestly pursued pleasure that he has had the misfortune to overtake it.
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REASON, v.i. To weight probabilities in the scales of desire.
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Bore, n. A person who talks when you wish him to listen.
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INFALAPSARIAN, n. One who ventures to believe that Adam need not have sinned unless he had a mind to - in opposition to the Supralapsarians, who hold that that luckless person's fall was decreed from the beginning.
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Lawsuit, n. A machine which you go into as a pig and come out as a sausage.
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Clarionet, n. An instrument of torture operated by a person with cotton in his ears. There are two instruments that are worse than a clarionet — two clarionets.
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Justice, n. A commodity which in a more or less adulterated condition the State sells to the citizen as a reward for his allegiance, taxes and personal service.
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Peace, n. In international affairs, a period of cheating between two periods of fighting.
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Bigot, n. One who is obstinately and zealously attached to an opinion that you do not entertain.
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Fashion, n. A despot whom the wise ridicule and obey.
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LAOCOON, n. A famous piece of antique scripture representing a priest of that name and his two sons in the folds of two enormous serpents. The skill and diligence with which the old man and lads support the serpents and keep them up to their work have been justly regarded as one of the noblest artistic illustrations of the mastery of human intelligence over brute inertia.
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ADAMANT, n. A mineral frequently found beneath a corset. Soluble in solicitate of gold.
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PRESBYTERIAN, n. One who holds the conviction that the government authorities of the Church should be called presbyters.
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Quote of the day
Yet would we die as some have done: Beating a way for the rising sun.
Arna Bontemps
Ambrose Bierce
Creative Commons
Born:
June 24, 1842
Died:
December 26, 1913
(aged 71)
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