Ambrose Bierce - The Devil's Dictionary (1906)

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Appetite, n. An instinct thoughtfully implanted by Providence as a solution to the labor question.

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To men a man is but a mind. Who cares
What face he carries or what form he wears?
But woman's body is the woman. O,
Stay thou, my sweetheart, and do never go,
But heed the warning words the sage hath said:
A woman absent is a woman dead.

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Patience, n. A minor form of despair, disguised as a virtue.

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Kilt, n. A costume sometimes worn by Scotchmen [sic] in America and Americans in Scotland.

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Grammar, n. A system of pitfalls thoughtfully prepared for the feet of the self-made man, along the path by which he advances to distinction.

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Male n. A member of the unconsidered, or negligible sex. The male of the human race is commonly known (to the female) as Mere Man. The genus has two varieties: good providers and bad providers.

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Pray, v. To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

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Debauchee n. One who has so earnestly pursued pleasure that he has had the misfortune to overtake it.

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Wit. n. The salt with which the American humorist spoils his intellectual cookery by leaving it out.

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INADMISSIBLE- Not competent to be considered. Hearsay evidence is inadmissible... but there is no religion in the world that has any other basis than hearsay evidence.

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ADAMANT, n. A mineral frequently found beneath a corset. Soluble in solicitate of gold.

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OVATION, n. n ancient Rome, a definite, formal pageant in honor of one who had been disserviceable to the enemies of the nation. A lesser "triumph."

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PRESBYTERIAN, n. One who holds the conviction that the government authorities of the Church should be called presbyters.

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ACCIDENT, n. An inevitable occurrence due to the action of immutable natural laws.

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VITUPERATION, n. Saite, as understood by dunces and all such as suffer from an impediment in their wit.

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SCARABAEUS, n. The sacred beetle of the ancient Egyptians, allied to our familiar "tumble-bug." It was supposed to symbolize immortality, the fact that God knew why giving it its peculiar sanctity.

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ABDOMEN, n. The temple of the god Stomach, inwhose worship, with sacrificial rights, all true men engage.

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REASON, v.i. To weight probabilities in the scales of desire.

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LAOCOON, n. A famous piece of antique scripture representing a priest of that name and his two sons in the folds of two enormous serpents. The skill and diligence with which the old man and lads support the serpents and keep them up to their work have been justly regarded as one of the noblest artistic illustrations of the mastery of human intelligence over brute inertia.

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Fashion, n. A despot whom the wise ridicule and obey.

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Bigot, n. One who is obstinately and zealously attached to an opinion that you do not entertain.

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Peace, n. In international affairs, a period of cheating between two periods of fighting.

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Justice, n. A commodity which in a more or less adulterated condition the State sells to the citizen as a reward for his allegiance, taxes and personal service.

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Clarionet, n. An instrument of torture operated by a person with cotton in his ears. There are two instruments that are worse than a clarionet — two clarionets.

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Lawsuit, n. A machine which you go into as a pig and come out as a sausage.

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INFALAPSARIAN, n. One who ventures to believe that Adam need not have sinned unless he had a mind to - in opposition to the Supralapsarians, who hold that that luckless person's fall was decreed from the beginning.

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Bore, n. A person who talks when you wish him to listen.

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Marriage, n. The state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress and two slaves, making in all, two.

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Logic, n. The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding.

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Admiration, n. Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.

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