Oscar Zeta Acosta - Autobiography of a Brown Buffalo (1972)

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I was twenty-one and without God. I had no one to love me and no one for me to love. Since there was no after-life, what then did it matter? I leaned forward, ready to lurch to my doom.

Oscar Zeta Acosta
I heard the opening bar of 'Help' as I headed down Polk Street. Every single time I've heard that tune I've taken it as some message from God, a warning of things to come, a perfect description of my mashed-potato character

Oscar Zeta Acosta
Ever since I'd shown my bleeding arms to my sweetheart we hadn't spoken a word. I'd simply decided to wait until she told me she appreciated carved tatoos. But she never did. She just ignored my obvious suffering. The pain in my gut, the secret gnawing at my belly didn't concern her one damn bit. Things got so bad for me I finally took to smoking like all my buddies were already doing. I rolled up whole pages of old funny books and smoked the shit until my lungs ached. I'd cut vines from the ivy that crawled up the sides of the chicken coop and puff on my homemade cigars until my head buzzed.

Oscar Zeta Acosta
Young, blond fags with powder-blue eyes and soft shoes skipped along arm-in-arm. Chinese girls with long hair and black stockings carried metal pots into Ernie's Delicatessen for bean cake, barbequed duck, Chinese curds and steamed rice. Art students from the Art Institute, draftsmen from Heald's College and law students from S. F. Law School walked by in carefree abandon, none of them in pain, all with beautiful girls in red slippers. They had leather, beads and books and pipes and scabs of hair on their interesting faces. Polk Street at night was always Christmas Eve for lonely men such as myself.

Oscar Zeta Acosta
When we left El Segundo Barrio across the street from the international border, we didn't expect the Mexicans in California to act like gringos. But they did. We were outsiders because of geography and outcasts because we didn't speak English and wore short pants. And so we had to fight every single day.

Oscar Zeta Acosta
He reached his hand toward me. You don't mind my asking, do you? Of course not, I say calmly as I reverse the lit end of the cigarette so that the flame is cupped in the palm. I reach for his handshake. He screams like a woman in distress with her skirt held high. I puff my meanness as he licks at the burn and whimpers, You sonofagun. You've burned the dickens out of my hand. I know. But why? I didn't do anything. I don't even know you. I guess it's my Samoan blood. Sal rushes to my defense. He points his finger at the fag. Out! But I didn't do anything. Out, out! he shouts, his hands stiffly on the bar. The old fag picks himself up and begins to drag himself out.

Oscar Zeta Acosta
That same night I went into the chicken coop, took my hooked knife which I used to pit peaches with, and carved her initials on the back side of my left hand … JA. Jane Addison. My first true love. The original Miss It. I was in such a fog that I forgot to cover it with a glove or something. At supper, right in front of my mother, my brother Bob said in a loud voice, What's that on your hand? I pretended not to hear. I quickly switched my fork to my right hand and put my left hand under the table. Hey, mom. Oscar cut himself, the bastard said. What? she cried out. She couldn't stand violence unless it was part of some beating to teach me respect.

Oscar Zeta Acosta
We had to fight the Okies because we were Mexicans! It didn't matter to them that my brother and I were outcasts on our own turf. They'd have laughed if we'd told them that we were easterners. To them we were greasers, spics and niggers. If you lived on the West Side, across from the tracks, and had brown skin, you were a Mexican. Riverbank is divided into three parts, and in my corner of the world there were only three kinds of people: Mexicans, Okies and Americans. Catholics, Holy Rollers and Protestants. Peach pickers, cannery workers and clerks.

Oscar Zeta Acosta
Even after my old man returned from the wars with all his ribbons and a thousand stories I still struggled for survival without my love. He was so busy rigging up the house to look like a ship, printing the rules of command on little notes which he pinned to the wall above the sink, Attention: Do not waste water … Do not throw garbage in here; in the outhouse and in the washroom, Attention: Toilet paper rules … Use only four sections per use … Do not throw funny paper in commode. I doubt if he noticed my dying condition.

Oscar Zeta Acosta
On the way home from school, I'd go two blocks out of my way to pass by Lopez' Pool Hall to look for cigarette butts that the veteranos had flicked to the sidewalk. They had G. I. hair cuts, their old, spit-shined paratrooper boots and the same khaki uniforms they wore to fight the Japs. I'd pretend not to notice them leaning against the building. With my head down, I'd walk along the gutter and just casually push the longer butts with my toe as if I were kicking a can or a rock … just a barefoot boy with cheek humhumming along the road on a hot summer day in his Huckleberry Finn strides, oh yes!

Oscar Zeta Acosta
In fact the only times we could read funny books was when my father was in the Navy. Nothing would infuriate him more than to catch us browsing through Captain Marvel or Plastic Man. Men, after all, didn't waste their time reading funny books. Men, he'd tell us, took life seriously. Nothing could be learned from books that were funny.

Oscar Zeta Acosta
I'd kick the butt, without missing a step or crushing it, all the way to the corner, turn to see if they were looking in my direction, then pick it up and run to the little park behind the Santa Fe Depot where I kept my penny box of matches hidden in an old squirrel's nest. Then I'd light her up and suck up the hot, delicious smoke that made one a man and life barely tolerable.

Oscar Zeta Acosta
I'm an innocent, brown-eyed child of the sun. Just a peach-picker's boy from the West Side. Riverbank. My father's a janitor with only a third-grade education and my mother makes tortillas at 5:00 A. M. before she goes to the cannery.

Oscar Zeta Acosta
He introduced me to all the intellectuals at S. F. State and convinced me I should be a writer since I had so many fucking stories to tell. Little did he know I was scared shitless of all those guys with the tweed coats and fancy pipes.

Oscar Zeta Acosta
The truth of the matter is that death is a mystery to me. I have no opinion on the subject.

Oscar Zeta Acosta
I simply nod, for I have already noticed the short distance between his right and left eyes. It is my secret way of detecting fags. I know he will speak. And the first thing the idiot says is, Are you by any chance Samoan? All my life strangers have been interested in my ancestry. There is something about my bearing that cries out for history. I've been mistaken for American Indian, Spanish, Filipino, Hawaiian, Samoan and Arabian. No one has ever asked me if I'm a spic or a greaser. Am I Samoan? Aren't we all? I groan.

Oscar Zeta Acosta