Jeff Kinney (author) - Diary of a Wimpy Kid (2007)

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No matter how nice you are to some people, they'll turn their back on you the second they get the chance.

Jeff Kinney
I'm not really sure what makes a book a 'classic' to begin with, but I think it has to be at least fifty years old and some person or animal has to die at the end.

Jeff Kinney
Then one day, this kid named Darren Walsh touched the Cheese with his finger, and that's what started this thing called the Cheese Touch. It's basically like the Cooties. If you get the Cheese Touch, you're stuck with it until you pass it on to someone else. The only way to protect yourself from the Cheese Touch is to cross your fingers.

Jeff Kinney
The only reason I get out of bed at all on weekends is because eventually I can't stand the taste of my own breath any more.

Jeff Kinney
So I've started wearing sweatpants to bed because I really don't need Santa seeing me in my underwear.

Jeff Kinney
Holly is the fourth-prettiest girl in the class, but the top 3 all have boyfriends. So a lot of guys like me are doing everything they can to get in good with her.

Jeff Kinney
So if you want to find somebody to blame for the way i am, I guess you'd have to start with the public education system.

Jeff Kinney
I'll be famous one day, but for now I'm stuck in middle school with a bunch of morons." - Greg Heffley,

Jeff Kinney
Back in those days it was just me swimming around in the dark, doing back flips and taking naps whenever I want.

Jeff Kinney
See, when you're a little kid, nobody ever warns you that you've got an expiration date. One day you're hot stuff and the next day you're a dirt sandwich.

Jeff Kinney
I don't know if this makes me a bad person or whatever, but it's hard for me to get interested in other people's vacations.

Jeff Kinney
If there's one thing I learned from Rodrick, it's to set people's expectations real low so you end up surprising them by practically doing nothing at all.

Jeff Kinney
Mom is always saying I'm a smart kid, but that I just don't apply myself.

Jeff Kinney
I've seen a lot of movies where a kid my age finds out he's got magical powers and then gets invited to go away to some special school. Well, if I've got an invitation coming, now would be the perfect time to get it

Jeff Kinney
Well, the problem is, it's not easy for me to think of ways to improve myself, because I'm pretty much one of the best people I know.

Jeff Kinney
I don't know what a guy needs to do to impress a girl these days.

Jeff Kinney
I got to give mom credit for how she handled it.She didn't try to pry and get all the details. All she said was that I should try to do "the right thing" because it's our choices that make us who we are. I figure that's pretty decent advice. But I'm still not 100% sure what I'm going to do tomorrow.

Jeff Kinney
I'm having a seriously hard time getting used to the fact that summer is over and I have to get out of bed every morning to go to school.

Jeff Kinney
He got the crib, so for the first few months of my life I had to sleep in the top dresser drawer, which I'm pretty sure isn't even legal.

Jeff Kinney