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You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven.
Dennis Miller
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Ah, Feminism in the nineties, what a What is yours what is mine field.
Dennis Miller
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Xenophobia doesn't benefit anybody unless you're playing high-stakes Scrabble.
Dennis Miller
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We have now given one of the only 50 states we have to a herd of Simu-Bullwinkles!
Dennis Miller
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I'm one of the more pessimistic cats on the planet. I make Van Gogh look like a rodeo clown.
Dennis Miller
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Americans stick their nose where it doesn't belong more than Cyrano de Bergerac giving head.
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To me, nature always appears more unbalanced than Gary Busey with a clogged Eustachian tube.
Dennis Miller
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We're not allowed to do anything to nature anymore, except look at it. It's like porn with leaves.
Dennis Miller
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Listen, the weather is just like Hillary's explanation for her war vote: we just don't know, do we?
Dennis Miller
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In the late twentieth century, staying sober has become just as much an addiction as getting wasted.
Dennis Miller
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The current tax code is harder to understand than Bob Dylan reading Finnegans Wake in a wind tunnel.
Dennis Miller
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I think the American legal system sucks worse than a Celine Dion cover version of "Whole Lotta Love."
Dennis Miller
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At one time, Washington actually meant something. But now, it's about as relevant as Bob Dylan's tuning fork.
Dennis Miller
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I don't have credibility, I'm a comedian. I'm not Ed Murrow up on the roof in a London fog reporting on the blitz.
Dennis Miller
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We need anything politically important rationed out like Pez: small, sweet, and coming out of a funny, plastic head.
Dennis Miller
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Joan Rivers telling Lauren Bacall her dress is all wrong is like Carrot Top telling Lenny Bruce he needs to get an edge.
Dennis Miller
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The American education system couldn't be more badly directed or poorly funded if the Secretary of Education were Ed Wood.
Dennis Miller
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I'm actually equal parts cynicism and apathy. I'm always willing to believe the worst as long as it doesn't take too much effort.
Dennis Miller
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Even the best psychiatrist is like a blindfolded auto mechanic poking around under your hood with a giant foam "We're #1" finger.
Dennis Miller
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Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply God's way of letting you know that you're having too good a time.
Dennis Miller
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A developer is someone who wants to build a house in the woods. An environmentalist is someone who already has a house in the woods.
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The government could take away all the drugs in the world and people would spin around on their lawns until they fell down and saw God.
Dennis Miller
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And by the way, my belief is that if men were the ones getting pregnant, abortions would be easier to get than food poisoning in Moscow.
Dennis Miller
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Nothing ruins the mood during foreplay more than the recurring image of your sixty-five-year-old homeroom teacher trying to stretch a condom over a cucumber.
Dennis Miller
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Bad television is three things: a bullet train to a morally bankrupt youth, a slow spiral into an intellectual void, and of course, a complete blast to watch.
Dennis Miller
Quote of the day
If a thing is worth doing, it is worth doing slowly … very slowly.
Gypsy Rose Lee
Dennis Miller
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Born:
November 3, 1953
(age 70)
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