David Sedaris - Me Talk Pretty One Day (2000)

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In other parts of the country people tried to stay together for the sake of the children. In New York they tried to work things out for the sake of the apartment.

David Sedaris
I was just struggling with my inner vachette and pondering the depths of my own inhumanity.

David Sedaris
My first semester I had only nine students. Hoping they might view me as professional and well prepared, I arrived bearing name tags fashioned in the shape of maple leaves.

David Sedaris
Friends always say, "How can you eat those? I read in the paper that they're made from hog's lips."
"And...?"
"And hearts and eyelids."

David Sedaris
Like all of my friends, she's a lousy judge of character.

David Sedaris
The message was that if something is free, you should only take the best. If, on the other hand, you're forced to pay, it's best to lower the bar and not be so choosy.

David Sedaris
After a few months in my parents' basement, I took an apartment near the state university, where I discovered both crystal methamphetamine and conceptual art. Either one of the these things are dangerous, but in combination they have the potential to destroy entire civilizations.

David Sedaris
Anyone who watches even the slightest amount of TV is familiar with the scene: An agent knocks on the door of some seemingly ordinary home or office. The door opens, and the person holding the knob is asked to identify himself. The agent then says, "I'm going to ask you to come with me.

David Sedaris
You can't kill the Rooster. You might can fuck him up a little sometimes, but you can't kill him.

David Sedaris
I find it ridiculous to assign a gender to an inanimate object incapable of disrobing and making an occasional fool of itself.

David Sedaris
It's unrealistic to live your life within such strict parameters.

David Sedaris
A week after my drugs ran out, I left my bed to perform at the college, deciding at the last minute to skip both the doughnut toss and the march of the headless plush toys. Instead, I just heated up a skillet of plastic soldiers, poured a milkshake over my head and called it a night.

David Sedaris
It's a common mistake for vacationing Americans to assume that everyone around them is French and therefore speaks no English whatsoever. [...] An experienced traveler could have told by looking at my shoes that I wasn't French. And even if I were French, it's not as if English is some mysterious tribal dialect spoken only by anthropologists and a small population of cannibals.

David Sedaris
For the first twenty years of my life I rocked myself to sleep. It was a harmless enough hobby, but eventually I had to give it up. Throughout the next twenty-two years I lay still and discovered that after a few minutes I could drop off with no problem. Follow seven beers with a couple of scotches and a thimble of good marijuana, and it's funny how sleep just sort of comes on its own. Often I never even make it to bed. I'd squat down to pet the cat and wake up on the floor eight hours later, having lost a perfectly good excuse to change my clothes. I'm now told that this is not called "going to sleep" but rather "passing out," a phrase that carries a distinct hint of judgment.

David Sedaris
Comfort has its place, but it seems rude to visit another country dressed as if you've come to mow its lawns.

David Sedaris
I had to wrestle daily with both my inadequacy and my uncontrollable jealousy. I didn't want to kill her, but hoped someone else might do the job for me.

David Sedaris