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Never board a commercial aircraft if the pilot is wearing a tank top.
Dave Barry
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The Internet: transforming society and shaping the future through chat.
Dave Barry
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Of course God enjoys a good prank as much as the next infallible deity.
Dave Barry
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Never have a dog. Let's not beat around the bush here: dogs are morons.
Dave Barry
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By today's beauty standards, of course, Marilyn Monroe was an oil tanker.
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Another important rule of affair-having: Never be discreet at the office.
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Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship.
Dave Barry
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As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula.
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Playing an unamplified electric guitar is like strumming on a picnic table.
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Skiers view snowboarders as a menace; snowboarders view skiers as Elmer Fudd.
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Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting.
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The most valuable function performed by the federal government is entertainment.
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To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent.
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Flying from the United States to Tokyo takes approximately as long as law school.
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The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.
Dave Barry
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In modern America, food is abundant everywhere except aboard commercial airplanes.
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Are we ever going to have a federal tax system that regular people can understand?
Dave Barry
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The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.
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Your guess is as good as mine. Better probably, because you haven't had four beers.
Dave Barry
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The books all say that barracuda rarely eat people, but very few barracuda can read.
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Never try to put all the chemicals in the entire world in your body at the same time.
Dave Barry
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As the saying goes: "If you're not part of the solution, you're a newspaper columnist."
Dave Barry
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I have been a gigantic Rolling Stones fan since approximately the Spanish-American War.
Dave Barry
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Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down.
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I had no shoes and I pitied myself. Then I met a man who had no feet, so I took his shoes.
Dave Barry
Quote of the day
No written law has ever been more binding than unwritten custom supported by popular opinion.
Carrie Chapman Catt
Dave Barry
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Born:
July 3, 1947
(age 77)
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