Dave Barry Short Quotes

25 Sourced Quotes

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Never board a commercial aircraft if the pilot is wearing a tank top.

Dave Barry
The Internet: transforming society and shaping the future through chat.

Dave Barry
Of course God enjoys a good prank as much as the next infallible deity.

Dave Barry
Never have a dog. Let's not beat around the bush here: dogs are morons.

Dave Barry
By today's beauty standards, of course, Marilyn Monroe was an oil tanker.

Dave Barry
Another important rule of affair-having: Never be discreet at the office.

Dave Barry
Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship.

Dave Barry
As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula.

Dave Barry
Playing an unamplified electric guitar is like strumming on a picnic table.

Dave Barry
Skiers view snowboarders as a menace; snowboarders view skiers as Elmer Fudd.

Dave Barry
Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting.

Dave Barry
The most valuable function performed by the federal government is entertainment.

Dave Barry
To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent.

Dave Barry
Flying from the United States to Tokyo takes approximately as long as law school.

Dave Barry
The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.

Dave Barry
In modern America, food is abundant everywhere except aboard commercial airplanes.

Dave Barry
Are we ever going to have a federal tax system that regular people can understand?

Dave Barry
The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.

Dave Barry
Your guess is as good as mine. Better probably, because you haven't had four beers.

Dave Barry
The books all say that barracuda rarely eat people, but very few barracuda can read.

Dave Barry
Never try to put all the chemicals in the entire world in your body at the same time.

Dave Barry
As the saying goes: "If you're not part of the solution, you're a newspaper columnist."

Dave Barry
I have been a gigantic Rolling Stones fan since approximately the Spanish-American War.

Dave Barry
Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down.

Dave Barry
I had no shoes and I pitied myself. Then I met a man who had no feet, so I took his shoes.

Dave Barry
For most celebrities, the biggest meal of the day is toothpaste (they use reduced-fat Crest).

Dave Barry
What was life like in the colonies? Probably the best word to describe it would be "colonial".

Dave Barry
Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid.

Dave Barry
Whatever the needs of the public are, the government responds to those needs by getting larger.

Dave Barry
England is a very popular foreign country to visit because the people there speak some English.

Dave Barry