Bob Monkhouse Quotes

19 Sourced Quotes

I saw a specialist who asked me 'Are you familiar with the phrase faecal impaction?'. I said I think I saw that one with Glenn Close and Michael Douglas.

Bob Monkhouse
I'm rather relaxed about death. From quite an early age I've regarded it as part of the deal, the unwritten guarantee that comes with your birth certificate.

Bob Monkhouse
Smarmy, plastic, oily, greasy, unctuous, shallow, superficial, old-fashioned, superannuated, crap

Bob Monkhouse
I was a born club comic. Radio and TV and stage were fine, but I found my real home in cabaret.

Bob Monkhouse
People who hadn't noticed me, or who had written me off as a game show host, started to reassess me. There were people who hadn't seen me as a stand-up artist and liked it. Suddenly I was in fashion again.

Bob Monkhouse
The last time I was in Spain I got through six Jeffrey Archer novels. I must remember to take enough toilet paper next time.

Bob Monkhouse
When the inventor of the drawing board messed things up, what did he go back to?

Bob Monkhouse
What's a geriatric? A German footballer scoring three goals.

Bob Monkhouse
I'll never stop working. I want to die in the saddle. A day is wasted for me if I haven't done something even mildly creative.

Bob Monkhouse
People always say: "You're a comedian, tell us a joke." They don't say: "You're an MP, tell us a lie."

Bob Monkhouse
Although I have always loved the noise of laughter, I really can't fear the coming of quiet. As for funerals, I rather like them. Such nice things are always said about the deceased, I feel sad that they had to miss hearing it all by just a few days.

Bob Monkhouse
My father was ruined by hard drink - he sat on an icicle.

Bob Monkhouse
I'd like to die like my old dad, peacefully in his sleep, not screaming like his passengers.

Bob Monkhouse
I suddenly realised I could maybe occupy a different position because of age, a kind of acceptance.

Bob Monkhouse
I can still enjoy sex at 74 - I live at 75, so it's no distance.

Bob Monkhouse
When I said I was going to become a comedian, they all laughed. Well, they're not laughing now, are they?

Bob Monkhouse
Silence is not only golden; it is seldom misquoted.

Bob Monkhouse
I've always known that I polarise opinion. Some people respond with enthusiasm and affection. In others, I awaken a lot of hostility.

Bob Monkhouse
I don't think there's intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one?

Bob Monkhouse