Bill Maher Short Quotes

25 Sourced Quotes

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The Bible looks like it started out as a game of Mad Libs.

Bill Maher
Don't you miss the days when America was just morally bankrupt?

Bill Maher
Suicide is our way of saying to God: 'You can't fire me. I quit'.

Bill Maher
Don't say a woman is crazy just because she runs away from her wedding.

Bill Maher
I am so tired of rearranging my life around what the stupidest people might do.

Bill Maher
You want to spend your millions on a worthless cause? Try donating it to the Democrats.

Bill Maher
Selling pot allowed me to get through college and make enough money to start off in comedy.

Bill Maher
Why are there so many puritans in this country, and why can't the rest of us make them go away?!

Bill Maher
If I thought the Lord was speaking to me I'd check myself into Bellevue, and I think you should too.

Bill Maher
Is it really a sport if you have all the equipment and your opponent doesn't know a game is going on?

Bill Maher
Isn't he [Bush] the worst president ever? I mean, when his term is over, he has to walk back to Texas.

Bill Maher
We don't like mystery. You like mystery, 'cause it's not a mystery to you; you know when you're gonna get laid.

Bill Maher
The problem is that the people with the most ridiculous ideas are always the people who are most certain of them.

Bill Maher
"Couples should explore their mutual fantasies." There's no such thing as a mutual fantasy. Yours bore us; ours offend you.

Bill Maher
Rudy Giuliani's first wife was his cousin. Did you know this? I think that's a very cheap way to go after the Southern vote.

Bill Maher
When it comes to scary-ass religions, extremist Muslims are like Godzilla and we're like, Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret.

Bill Maher
Our mistakes from the past are just that: mistakes. And they were necessary to make in order to become the wiser person we became.

Bill Maher
Let's make a law that gay people can have birthdays, but straight people get more cake — you know, to send the right message to kids.

Bill Maher
The thing I don't understand about homosexuals is, how do they decide which one is the one who's supposed to pretend they don't want it?

Bill Maher
Dealing w/ Hamas is like dealing w/ a crazy woman who's trying to kill u - u can only hold her wrists so long before you have to slap her

Bill Maher
I think the guy was mostly a coke dealer, but I didn't do coke. I never understood that drug. If you want to be edgy and nervous, go to work.

Bill Maher
In America, if a Democrat even thinks you're calling him liberal he grabs an orange vest and a rifle and heads into the woods to kill something.

Bill Maher
Van Jones got fired because he became the Scary Negro of the Week on Fox News, where, let's be honest, they still feel threatened by Harry Belafonte.

Bill Maher
[Islam is] the only religion that acts like the mafia that will fucking kill you if you say the wrong thing, draw the wrong picture or write the wrong book.

Bill Maher
Jesus is not a candle. A company in South Dakota is selling candles with the scent of Jesus. You light one and your friends says, Christ, what's that smell?

Bill Maher
The younger generation is supposed to rage against the machine, not for it. They're supposed to question authority, not question those who question authority.

Bill Maher
If we stopped calling it profiling and started calling it "proactive intelligence screening" or "high alert detecting", people would be saying "Well, it's about time".

Bill Maher
Death is the monster we all fear, yet with each day, we walk toward it, and can't help doing so; we can't help but walk toward the one thing we're most trying to avoid.

Bill Maher
We can't even reform the way we make pennies and nickels. This week we learn that making a penny now costs 2 cents and making a nickel costs 9 cents, which makes no sense.

Bill Maher
If ketchup had 1/20th of the carcinogens in a cigarette they'd rip it off the shelves tomorrow, so the government is full of shit when they tell you that they care about you.

Bill Maher