20th-century Comedian Quotes

Robin Williams

Jim Carrey

Peter Sellers

Eddie Murphy

Ellen DeGeneres

Joan Rivers

Bob Hope

I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis, and I don't deserve that either.

If you want to read about love and marriage, you've got to buy two separate books.

I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.

Life is a great big canvas, and you should throw all the paint on it you can.

I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. Suddenly I had to spend all my time getting well.

In the ambiguity and shifting playing field of adult life, I often wish I could just fill in a dot and have someone say Yes and hand me a chicken leg, or No and slap me with an old fish.

Statistically, skinny women die younger than fat women. Why? Because fat women are killing them.

Stammering is different than stuttering. Stutterers have trouble with the letters, while stammerers trip over entire parts of a sentence. We stammerers generally think of ourselves as very bright. My own private theory is that stammerers have so many ideas swirling around their brains at once that they can't get them all out, though I haven't found any scientific evidence to back that up.

I suppose the difference between baby people and me is that I do not consider smiling while farting 'holding up your end of a conversation.

Some footballers earn a fortune. 30 grand, 40 grand, 90 grand a week, some of them. And then they say stuff in interviews like "I'm not really enjoying the football at the moment." Not enjoying the football? 90 grand a week? I'd be delirious with it! I wouldn't just hug somebody for scoring a goal, I'd shag 'em.

Lee Evans (comedian)

Somewhere, a long way away, people are doing sensible things like mowing lawns and digging gardens.

Living with teenagers is like watching Jeopardy! every night. After a while you start thinking, Maybe I am stupid.

Caryl Kristensen

You know what they call alternative medicine that's been proved to work? - Medicine.

There's only two times in life, there's now and there's too late.

When we did our show in the '60s, during the Vietnam War, you were either a hawk or a dove; a right winger or a left winger. It was pretty decisive, but not nearly as decisive as it is now.

All castles had one major weakness. The enemy used to get in through the gift shop.

Typical Hollywood crowd - all the kids are on drugs, and all the adults are on roller skates.

Inviting people to laugh with you while you are laughing at yourself is a good thing to do. You may be a fool but you're the fool in charge.

If hooking a car battery up to a monkey's brain will help find the cure for AIDS and save somebody's life, I have two things to say … the red is positive and the black is negative.

I try to keep fit. I've got these parallel bars at home. I run at them and try to buy a drink from both of them.

I'm not saying my mother didn't like me, but she kept looking for loopholes in my birth certificate.

Sure, I use the word nigger all the time. But I say niggers is holding the black people back. It don't mean black at all. In the dictionary, nigger is described as a person who is shiftless and lazy. Well, if that's the case, there must be some white niggers, too.

There's only three major elements. Air, land, which is your flesh and water, which is your blood. You're walking on a third of yourself. She's called Mother Earth. She gave birth to you. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, you're going right back to her!

Soon censorship will become a luxury of the past. When I recently spoke to an okie connected with the censor board about why 'Mad Max' wasn't banned, his reply was that the youth of today must get used to violence as that will soon be their way of life! It's a sobering thought.

Pieter-Dirk Uys

People are always coming up to me and saying, 'I love you, love your work.' And then the next sentence is, 'I loved your brother.' John made people laugh, and laughter is a powerful thing,